Personal Growth


The Conscious Family – Episode 2: Setting Family Goals

 

  1. Find Problems or things that can be improved in the family. Identify the Goal
  2. Ensure everybody is on board with the Goal or has a say in the Goal
  3. Steps to achieving it & Identify obstacles that may prevent from achieving it
  4. Date to accomplish this  goal by. Or if it’s an ongoing goal how often you will revisit it.

Goals for Mummy and Daddy

  • Date Night Monthly
  • Temple Night Monthly
  • Quarterly Night Away
  • Weekly planning session

Goals for the Little Kids

  • Make Bed before breakfast
  • Pick up toys before dinner

Goals for Mummy and Daddy and Kids

  • Dinner or Breakfast Together 3times a Week
  • Morning and Evening Prayers and Scripture Reading
  • Pick up the house before Bedtime
  • No Electronics between 6-9pm
  • Family Vacation 2times a year

Self Awareness in Relationships

“Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as being able to remake ourselves.” -Gandhi

You may wondering what is all this self awareness stuff got to do with relationships and marriage.Being self-aware in marriage or any relationship is an amazing skill that will allow you to communicate effectively and truly understand your environment and be able to take control of your own emotions.  I guess for me my understanding is that if you don’t know yourself how are you able to get to know and love anybody else. Love comes from within, we need to give love to receive love and therefore being aware of who we are can help us develop love for ourselves. (Wow that’s some deep stuff right there haha) But for real though. All healthy relationships come from a deep understanding of self.

Self-awareness (sometimes also referred to as self-knowledge or introspection) is about understanding your own needs, desires, failings, habits, and everything else that makes you tick. The more you know about yourself, the better you are at adapting life changes that suit your needs.

We are literally like a onion we have sooo many layers to us to uncover and understand. I seriously find that the more I go on in life and continue to self reflect the more I connect the dots to why I do and think the way I do.

Self-awareness includes:

  • Understanding our emotions—what we’re feeling and what triggered it—so we can effectively work through and transform our emotional responses (instead of using them to justify unhealthy choices)
  • Recognizing our destructive thought patterns so we can redirect them
  • Tuning into what’s going on in our bodies so we can learn from it and access our intuition
  • Noticing our behavioral patterns and habits so that we can make adjustments to change negative ones
  • Understanding our beliefs, assumptions, and expectations, and how they influence what we choose to do
  • Accepting that we are responsible for our actions—even if we developed certain patterns in response to events from our past

Here are some activities that you can practice and implement into your life to help be self reflect.

  1. List You: What are your beliefs? What do you stand for? What are your likes and dislikes? What are fears?  What are your goals? What do you believe your relationships should look like? What qualities do you have to contribute to your relationship?
  2. Question your thoughts or beliefs. Look at what you have written about yourself and now its time think objectively. For example ask yourself why do I prefer to demand that my partner come straight home after work? Why do I want him always with me? Why do I get mad when he wants to spend time with his friends? Ask yourself these questions whenever those times come up when you are frustrated at something your partner does. If you can’t in the moment then do it when you have calmed down. Is your belief legit or where does it stem from. You can dig deeper and deeper and find the root cause of your beliefs. It may be helpful to do this with a trusted friend, coach or therapist to guide you in the right direction.
  3. Keep a Journal: Not just what you ate for breakfast but include feelings and anything that will help you understand and reflect on yourself more. Like including what you ate for breakfast or why you didn’t how you were feeling in the moment can help when you go back to read and reflect. Writing a journal helps you identify patterns a lot more easier. So being consistency is key for this exercise. Journals are most effective if done over a long period of time from 6months-12months will give you some good insight on yourself.
  4. Evaluate: Now you have seen some of your qualities and recorded your behaviour in your journal.  Set some goals on what you want to work on to improve your marriage or relationships. You can always keep on track coming back to your goals on a weekly basis to see how you are changing your behaviour. Some people need this written down others can just work on one at a time so it’s easier to keep track of. Remember you will not change overnight so keep working on it. Make your goals easy to monitor so you don’t feel too overwhelmed and give up.

 

 


Am I ready for Marriage?

Lets face it we will never be completely and fully ready for anything in life? How many of us were ready to go to school for the first day? Or start a new job or college or anything. I know I wasn’t ever ready but I did it and I became better because I jumped in it with faith and hope and an attitude to work at it. Marriage is a big step and although we may never be completely ready for it there are some things that we can do to better prepare ourselves for this lifelong commitment. Here are some general questions to ask yourself if you are wondering if you are ready for this marriage thing!

Is my relationship with God priority above all else?

If you do not have solid foundations you will not be able to stand. Do you feel your relationship with God is superficial work on it? Your relationship with God is the foundation for any marriage if it is strong you will be able to withstand whatever trials that may come your way.

Have I fallen in Love with Myself?

One of the worst things a girl can do is going into a marriage being self-conscious, jealous and emotionally unstable. We need to love ourselves first. We need to have a deep knowledge and understanding and love of who we are wherever we are at in our life. When we can find love from within us we don’t need to compare ourselves to other women and feel insecure about ourselves. Many women break down and fall apart when their spouse isn’t there for them but as we know how to love ourselves wecan handle these situationsWe enjoy love from others but also know that we don’t heavily depend on it because our love from inside is greater and we know that we have a greater source of love which is God and His love is unconditional.

Am I willing to be Selfless in all aspects of my life?

Marriage is selfless. You need to be doing things for the sake of the marriage not for your own personal gain. From the children to your sexual intimacy marriage is doing things for each other.

Am I willing to be open and vulnerable in my marriage?

When we are open and vulnerable this is where REAL TRUST is built. When we communicate our true feelings and emotions it builds strength in your relationship. Some people may look at this as a sign of weakness but know that when you do this your partner will be able to confide in you as well and you start building true foundations of trust, love and commitment all because you were willing to be open and vulnerable.

Am I humble enough to admit fault and learn?

Humility is big if you are humble enough to know when you are wrong and also willing to admit fault this will take you a long way. Communicating is vital to let your partner know how you are feeling and expressing it in a loving and calm way.

Am I committed to being with this one person through thick and thin and accept where they are at?

Who you decide to marry is not going to change overnight. Too often we want to change them but the fact of the matter is we can’t change anybody. It has to come from within themselves. We as partners need to love them for where they are at and how far they have become. It does not mean we lose sight of their potential but we love them along this journey.

What would you add to the list? Would love to hear your thoughts? If you are working on some of these and would like to get some more personal advice I would love to talk to you. Email me at info@ourhappytalk.com.

xo Tracy


Is this TRUE LOVE?

IMG_1400The million dollar question! When we are dating somebody and things have been going steady for a while figuring out if you are truly in love with this person can be a complicated question. For some people can be an ongoing question for years and years on end. There are many types of love, the love of a parent and a child, self love, love of humanity as a whole, superficial love and the list goes on. Today I wanted to focus on the most truest and purest Love ever known to humanity which is the True Love of God.

One of my favorite verse that talks about Love is that which talks about Charity in Corinthians. Charity is the pure love of Christ. We know that Christ had the purest form of love for us as shown by his sacrifice at the garden and on the cross.  Therefore as we try and evaluate our love for somebody we are free to compare it against this definition of Christ. Of course we will never reach his level of perfection but we can try to emulate his love.

Charity is the pure love of Christ. It is the love that Christ has for the children of men and that the children of men should have for one another. It is the highest, noblest, and strongest kind of love and the most joyous to the soul

Charity suffereth long

When you love somebody you are patient with their flaws. We are patient in all aspects whether they are suffering emotionally or physically. We see it through to the end. You understand they are not perfect but you are with them every step of the way in this journey.

Charity is Kind

Being around your boyfriend or husband may mean that they see sides of you that no one else sees. They get the tired you at the end of the day. They get grumpy snappy you. But this is no excuse they don’t deserve to be treated this way. Our spouse is the one we love the most, therefore we need to be our kindest self towards them.

Charity Envieth not

In marriage this can also be referred to as resentment in marriage. Sometimes we resent that our husbands get to go to work all day while we stay at home cleaning cooking and watching the kids. Sometimes we are envious that our wives stay home while we have to go make the money. Envy in marriage can come up in so many ways. So let’s try and appreciate what our situation brings. Let’s not be envious and play the score card game.

Charity seeketh not her own

Marriage is definitely not a selfish road. If that’s what you want you obviously should be looking elsewhere. Marriage is all about serving and loving and giving of yourself. Both husband and wife give of themselves to each other. One is not above the other we are looking to put their interests first always.

Charity is not easily provoked

Oh how easy is it to get bugged at the smallest little thing that your loved one does. It’s way too easy to get caught up in the weeds and not be able to see the bigger picture of the flowers blooming around. Sometimes it’s just easier to let things slip by, pick your battles my friends.

Charity thinketh no evil

Our imaginations are king at this. We love imagining up scenarios that we play in our minds that are seem totally true but in fact our a mere creation of our imagination. Let’s not assume that our partners are always trying to flirt or find someone new. Let’s not assume of the worst possible scenario. Let’s assume the best in our spouse and let them assume the best in us. That is where trust begins.

Charity rejoiceth in truth

Communicating to your spouse can be the hardest but the most rewarding thing you can do in a marriage. When you are open and honest with each other about all areas of your marriage, physical, sexual, financial, emotional you will be able to grow and excel to greater levels of intimacy and trust.

Charity Beareth & Endureth all things

Similar to the first, in marriage we work together to solve and workout whatever trials that come our way. Having charity which bearth all things means that we are there till the end when the going get tough, that is not our time to call it quits we will see it through together until the end.

Charity Believeth & Hopeth all things

Marriage means that you believe and have faith in your marriage. You have a positive and optimistic hope in your marriage that things will work out. You have faith in each other and help see the great things that you can accomplish together. You set a wonderful vision for where our marriage is heading and you have hope and faith in what the future will bring for your marriage and family.

If you can tick these off in the ways you feel for your partner you can know that you working towards true love. As husband and wife or partners this is our goal and our aim to develop this kind of love for our spouse. The same kind of love that Christ has for us. His love is perfect and it never faileth!

I would love to hear your thoughts on this piece. If you have questions or thoughts comment or message me at info@ourhappytalk.com.

With Love xo


Environment for Open Communication

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Last month I talked about emotional abuse and the fear that this kind of behavior fosters in home and family environment. There are many ways emotional abuse can be rendered but today I wanted to touch on having open communication and creating this environment in our homes. Homes that are emotionally abusive can instill fear into members of the family which don’t allow for open communication to each other or even to people outside who may be able to help them.

I know firsthand how it feels to live in this fear as a child and how desperately afraid I was to say anything that would go against my parents beliefs. I was fearful of whether I would get the belt or a lecture lasting for several hours. In my parent’s defense they have been amazing to me and I am so grateful for all their sacrifices yet their parenting style was still of the old school ways. It was mainly my way or the highway and it was you listen to me because i’m older and i’m the boss and I know more than you. (Which in most cases when you are between 1-16years old proved to be right.) But as we got to be teenages we started pushing back and starting having our say, probably not the best way because all we did was try and replicate our views as forcefully as they did their views on us because that was the only way we knew how to communicate our views.

Fast forward to my marriage life I noticed me replicating many of these same behaviours. And it was hurting my husband emotionally especially because he knew there were better ways. I knew that I needed to communicate my views in a positive and more loving way. I knew that I had to create an environment in my home where my spouse would feel safe to communicate his feelings about our marriage and family without being afraid he will be teared down or that I will instantly lash out in defense. I also want my children to feel the same way to, that they are have a space to express emotion and be allowed to feel that emotion without ridicule or belittling.

From my personal experience here are 4 ways we can foster open communication in our homes:

Be Available

Schedule a time with your spouse and children when they know that you are there completely listening to them.  I know as a couple we need to have at least an hour of “marriage inventory” A week to have deep conversations about our concerns and goals etc. It’s not just the conversations of how was your day, but it’s the deeper questions that gets them to open up and express their true emotions. It’s great talking to them daily about their day but ensure at least once a week you can dedicate some time for serious alone conversations. If they know there is this time that they will get with you and it is consistent they will be able to develop this trust to open up to you.

Listen with Validation

Validation is allowing people to feel their emotions. I just read an amazing book by the lunds called I don’t have to make it all better where it talks about the power of validating others. Not trying to fix their problems but really listening with empathy. When your spouse say I have my boss is  controlling maniac!, don’t respond like my normal response  which would be don’t say that about your boss! That’s not a nice thing to say instead. we can respond with, sounds like he making your job harder, being told what to do is not pleasant at all. Allowing others to express their emotions allows them to feel through them and eventually be able to vent it out and can easily be led to finding their own solutions.

React with Understanding and Love

To often when we hear something we don’t like or disagree, we directly go into defensive mode or attack mode. In these times our family members need our love the most. They need our support at this crucial time as they are very vulnerable at these times. This is not the time to ridicule, teach or prove a point. This is the time to listen with empathy and love.

Be the Example

If you feel that there is terrible communication in your household BECOME THE ROLE MODEL. That’s all it really takes is one person showing how communication in the really should be. In my home it was my husband, he showed me how it was to have open communication with love. It took me awhile to get on the band wagon but it finally clicked and now our communication is a million times better than it use to be. (occassionaly I forget)   Our children watch us the most if they see the way that we communicate is through force, harshness, they too will do the same.

TC2013 (918)


My Insecurities came out in my Marriage

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Growing up I never noticed that I had insecurities I had always thought of myself as a pretty confident person. I performed in front of hundreds of people, I wore what I wanted, I danced like nobody’s business and could sing down the aisle of a grocery store and not care about anybody around me. I didn’t start connecting any dots until I started noticing my marriage going downhill very early in our relationship. I was jealous, suspicious, afraid, self-conscious, controlling, and paranoid to say the least. It was driving both my husband and I crazy that I was feeling this way, when I knew I had no logical reasoning to feel this way. I had to figure this out and this is when I decided to get outside help.  I turned to reading lots self-help books, articles, and listening to marriage podcasts to try and figure out what was wrong with my husband. Eventually came to realize it was me who had to change. It was me who was still carrying deep emotional baggage from past experiences.

We all have insecurities within us to some degree or another and it’s okay to admit them. We have this wonderful thing called imagination that can help us create beautiful amazing things. Or it can take us the opposite direction of fear, anxiety of imagined situations that take control of our mind and body. Fear, doubt and anxiety can creep into our marriage anytime, whether it is because of past experiences that have caused deep wounds, expectations of ourselves and others or some recent rejection or failure. I have collected a few ideas to help those out there who may have been struggling like I did.

  • Recognize and Identify your Insecurities and understand WHY you feel that way? Go deep!
  • Tell the difference between imagination and reality. (If you don’t trust your husband is it because he’s something he has done or is it because past experiences you think may repeat again?) Write down all the reasons why that imagined situation is not true.
  • Avoid things that increase your insecurities: E.g. social media, unfollow friends that don’t help you boost your self-confidence or avoid movies or tv shows that decrease feeling of self-worth of yourself or your relationship
  • Create a New Story: Tell yourself new stories and live them. Use affirmations, declarations or reframes to help you paint a new picture or yourself and your marriage.
  • Talk to your spouse/partner about it. Be open with it and let him know what you are struggling with so he can be your support on this journey. When my husband understood my trust issues where because of experiences in my childhood he was very understanding and realized he wasn’t the problem.

This really isn’t an overnight process. It is something that I have to continuously work on. It can last from a few weeks to months even up to a year to work through these beliefs. It will take continuous effort but I know you can do it! The results are freeing and immeasurable! I promise as you continue to work on releasing and understanding your insecurities you will see greater happiness, freedom and joy in your life. Self reflecting really is the first step to improving one’s marriage and relationships.

If you have further questions I would love to talk to you. Leave your questions below or contact me with any questions at info@ourhappytalk.com.

You are amazing! You are worthy! You are Beautiful! xo Tracy


Marriage Advice from a Cowgirl

 

Our story began in the Summer of 1993 at a church convention in Chugwater, Wyoming. Cody was single, I was not!We exchanged addresses and wrote a few letters throughout the years.

In October of 1997, I was a senior in High School.  I was very active in volleyball and had just experienced a rough break up with a boy. I had a “NONBOY” attitude.My mother decided that I needed to attend a church convention in Kansas. She insisted that I go. I went by myself and I can remember thinking, “Why am I going?” I made a little detour and was a little late getting to the convention. You see, I really didn’t want to go and I felt like I had my life in control.  Turns out that I need to attend that convention.  I think my mom and God talked to each other. I sat at a lunch table, when I heard this, “Naomi, can you please pass the tea?” I about fell off my chair. Cody Loomis remembered my name.

To tell you the truth I cannot remember a thing that the preachers talked about. All I can remember was the butterflies in my stomach and the long walks that we went on.After the convention was over, I drove Cody to his ranch and we went on a horseback ride.  We talked about our faults, our weaknesses, our goals in life, our fears, our past relationships, and our future. I can remember leaving his ranch that night and thanking God that I went to Kansas.

In September of 1998, Cody took a knee and asked me to be his wife. I said, “YES”. Two weeks later in Lone Tree Canyon, east of Chugwater, Wyoming we said these vows:

“You are my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.” We celebrated 17 years of marriage in October. I’m surprised by how fast the years have gone by.

When I think back on our dating days and then our wedding day, it was filled with such hope and promises. Our love was blossoming and a new life was beginning for both of us. In the course of these 17 years, we’ve learned a great deal about ourselves and about each other. About the importance of marriage and why it’s worth fighting for. We were young, in love and ready for marriage when we said yes in our late teens, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we knew how to have a great marriage.

17 years later, here are 12 lessons that have been clarified for us in our marriage:

  1. The 50/50 Game Doesn’t Work.

For a season, we view marriage like it is a game, a competition. If I do this, you should do that. Meet me in the middle here, do a little more there. If you do 50 things, I’ll do 50. That sort of game. But, true love is shown when one of us can’t get to the middle. Then, it’s up to the other to go the extra mile. Maybe that ratio is 90/10 for a season if one of us is sick, stressed, or even depressed. Don’t view marriage as a scorecard. Someone always loses that way.

  1. Keep Adventure Alive.

Fighting to keep adventure alive doesn’t have to be extravagant. Maybe it’s a small drive with no kids, or maybe you shut the door to your bedroom, maybe its a date to a feeder meeting, or a surprise baby sitter for the evening or even a simple handwritten note. One of our favorites is a horse back ride!

  1. Kiss, Hug & Hold Each Other.

This is a hard one but probably one of the most important. Make a point to kiss and hug your spouse each morning and night. When you’re leaving and arriving too.  I challenge each of you to try this.  It makes a huge difference in your day and night. Be the one to make the move first, don’t always wait for the other. I also challenge you to hold hands, it rekindles the flame!

  1. Grit Is Often The Best Description Of Love.

When we where newlyweds love was easy, but after years real life can get chaotic, stressful, and confusing.  The answer is to dig your boots in when life gets hard.

  1. Real Life Happens In The Mundane.

Babies being born, buying a piece of land, buying a new car are the peaks of marriage, and they are great. However, most normal days are mundane. I’ve been guilty of missing the little moments while I work to make the big ones happen. I’m realizing that life happens in those little moments. I’m learning to love the journey, every bit, as much as the destination.

  1. Proximity Doesn’t Equal Presence.

Being physically close isn’t the same as being close emotionally. We need to put away our phones and listen to each other’s hearts.  Life is busy; when you have the ability to be together physically, it is important be there emotionally as well.

  1. Comparison Will Kill.

In an age of social media it’s easy to feel like your marriage sucks.  It does our relationship no good when we compare our money, house, kids’ performance and marriage to others through social media. We will become the losers. It robs our joy.

  1. Don’t Throw It Away.

Each day we need to keep choosing each other.  When our going gets a little rough, I remember our wedding day or the birth our kids and decide that it will pay to keep our spark alive. We need to be honest about when we fail. It will be worth it.

  1. Giving & Serving. 

Are we giving and serving? Or are we only taking and using? Life is best when we are giving ourself away for the benefit of  the other.

  1. Live In Community.

Nobody told me that marriage is hard. It can be beautiful and redeeming. When we chose to surround our self with friends and family who know your strengths as well as your struggles, you realize you have support and encouragement.

 

Naomi Loomis

http://fromthecornerofthecirclel.blogspot.com/

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I’m Naomi Loomis and I am a rancher from the Sandhills of Nebraska. My husband, our 4 kids and myself are raising the next generation of ranchers and cattle. My blog gives you a glimpse of our ranch and our story—all to better connect consumers with ranchers. Visit me at www.fromthecornerofthecirclel.blogspot.com.

 


Exercising My Courage Muscles

By Jasmine Hewitt who blogs at LoveLifeLaughMotherhood. I am so excited that she is sharing some timeless advice for us mothers who constantly exercise courage at all stages of our life. I love the she says the more we do it the stronger our courage gets!

I can never fully remember who it is, but there’s a famous quote about one’s courage being much like a muscle, and that it needed to be exercised regularly. If being a Mom has taught me anything this past year, it’s that you must never fall slack of your exercise.

I was a pretty courageous person before I discovered I was pregnant, but now looking back, I imagine my courage sitting on an incredibly comfortable couch, eating nachos, and not wanting to be bothered unless provoked. Those two little blue lines not only provoked, but knocked the bowl of nachos out of my courage’s hands and challenged  it to get up and moving! Ok, not literally, but that sounded better than the initial panic attack that ensued.

But with each day of my pregnancy, I worked up just a little more courage than the day before, and began my preparations for motherhood. I read everything I could about what to expect with labor, caring for a newborn, raising an infant-all the while doing the best I could to stay calm and not let panic set in. Not long after the beginning of my second trimester, my then fiance went to study abroad in Russia, and we thought wouldn’t be back in time for my delivery. Saying goodbye for the next few months, I wanted to disappear into a bag of Cheetos and never emerge until after my baby was already born and my soon-to-be husband returned. My inner Courage wouldn’t let me. It was important to my baby and myself to not be tempted into becoming depressed. So I pressed forward, and we (my baby, my Courage and I) got a little stronger every day. Then my future husband made it back early by dropping classes! And I didn’t have to go it alone…but I wasn’t ever really alone. My Courage was with me.

You would think after the birth of our son, my Courage could have retreated back to the couch with snack foods, but that’s when I really needed it the most. To get me through the long days, and sleepless nights of new motherhood. To encourage me when I felt downtrodden. To tell me that everything would be worth it in the end. I needed it again when snotty scantimommies said things about our cloth diapers, or how I shouldn’t vaccinate my child, or why I should just let him “cry it out” at less than a few months old. I needed to be able to defend my parenting decisions, and to do that, I needed my courage.

After having to use it for so long, my Courage still hasn’t made it back to the couch to chill until necessary. It’s up bright and early each day, doing squats and whispering, ‘We got this!’ in my ear.

I know I’m going to need it for the future ahead-potty training, first day of school, first slumber party away from home. Lots of ‘firsts.’ But after all this time, it should be much easier to get my ‘courage’ into gear-it’s been exercising a while now, and is pretty strong.

That’s my advice for anyone, especially mothers, who are having trouble with dealing with life changing events, or even just the day-to-day difficulties of putting up with people. Use your courage every time, to help propel and defend yourself. Exercise that sucker every way you can-sure you’re perfectly capable of pulling it off your ‘inner couch’ whenever necessary, but the more it’s exercised and used, the stronger and tougher it will be.  Meet those life-moments and ‘firsts’, head on. You can build the strength to face them and conquer.  Don’t back down from criticism of your parenting decisions – you know what’s best for your child. Stand up for your beliefs. Keep your courage on a regular workout plan, by using it whenever you can. When those really big difficulties seem like they are bearing down on you, you will be glad you exercised.

My PhotoFor more fun articles of motherhood and family visit LoveLifeLaughMotherhood. Jasmine is a first time mom to a sweet little boy, and a wife to an amazing husband. She’s a baby wearing, cloth diapering, breastfeeding, tattooed lover of wine and Netflix. And squeezes blogging into her spare time. 


50/50 Relationships Don’t Work

If a mother applied the 50/50 rule to her newborn baby, most mothers would have ditched their baby within the first couple of days. Instead a mother whole heartedly gives her everything for the baby, her time, energy, body and love without expecting anything in return. The mother applies the rule of 100/0, she gives 100% of love with no expectations of something in return. (although newborn cuddles and smiles somehow is our reimbursement) So if a mother’s love is like this why do we turn the tables around when it comes to our spouses and even people around us.

The ultimate example of the 100/0 love is that of Jesus Christ. He gave His all for us and knew that some of us would not care but he did it anyways for everybody! This is the example of perfect love that we should strive towards. So why do we always expect that we need to get something in return equal to or of greater value to what we give and many a time expecting without giving?

I did the laundry so you need to do mow the lawn!

I changed the diaper twice it’s your turn now!

I am very guilty of saying these statements too often. If we looked at our marriage 100/0 these statements wouldn’t need to come up because both individuals are aware of each other’s needs and a simple “could you please could you do this for me I would really appreciate it” will go a longer way than “I did this so you do this….”Keeping score of who did what will always put a strain on any relationship.

Too often we look at relationships and marriage as a 50/50, where it needs to be fair and equal. Give and take. Yes to a certain degree that is important but can you imagine how powerful a relationship would be if it was 100/0 and both parties agreed to it applying this rule. Meaning both would put 100 whether or not they were receiving love or not. Of course this is the perfect world this can never be a reality right… Here is a cute story of 100/0.

I for sure need to work on this, because I am the recipient of such love. In my moments of stubbornness and pride I put 0% effort and give up while my husband is footing the 100%. I am so grateful during these moments because this is what pulls us through the difficult times if either one of us are still holding on and trying there will always be hope! Of course it’s not going to be 100% ALL THE TIME… but let that be standard. Lets all make an effort to put in 100% in to our marriage and family relationships. Put our score cards away and just give it our all.  We really can’t afford not to.

If this is something you are interested in or have more questions or ideas message me at info@ourhappytalk.com. I offer marriage coaching sessions for individuals that want to improve their relationship with their spouses, so if you would like a free session schedule a time with me today. Would love to hear from you!

 


Love YOURSELF!

You can’t give from an empty well.

There is a clear difference between being selfish, self centered and taking time to rejuvenate yourself. To me it’s the difference where one is the end in itself and the other is a means to an end. We woman have such a nurturing spirit that we always want to help serve and cater. Especially as mothers and wives we are always trying to support our children in their dreams and also our husbands in their goals sometimes we may forget about our own. Sometimes I even feel guilty that I have my own dreams and goals that I want to accomplish and am working towards.

But very often I have come across women who are burnt out and tired and exhausted because they are running around catering to those around them and have taken little to no time to look after ourselves feeling unappreciated for years of selfless service.

My Story

I had the mentality that if I take time to care for myself I am not being a good mother and all time should be to help my family. I shouldn’t dress up and put make up because that will mean I’m worrying and spending too much on myself and that is selfish. Sometimes I would even feel guilty for going to the gym because that is time away from my family although I would go in the morning before they woke up. Taking care of myself was the always the last priority, and any time should be used with husband baby even if that meant I was run down and awful to be with. It came to a breaking point where I just drove myself crazy being inside the house all the time with baby and my patience just wore thin with her, I would dread being at home all day long and be miserable when my husband finished work.

“It’s a not a luxury, it’s a must which you shouldn’t feel guilty about. Mums especially are good at shuffling themselves to the bottom of the pack and naturally looking after family and friends before themselves.” Lorraine Thomas, Chief Executive of the Parent Coaching Academy.

Things to Remember:

  1. Me Time isn’t selfish but it does allow you to share your whole self with those you love. If you don’t allow time to rest and refuel then what you give your family isn’t your personal best
  2. Self-care is an important part of motherhood. Whether its reading a book alone, going to the gym, or getting a pedicure, looking after your physical will help you feel better inwards. Your confidence will increase and help you feel like you have life by the horns! (even if it’s only for 30mins)
  3. Your children benefit directly from your personal growth. Growing your life allows you to share more of you with your children. Your children will be able to learn that they need some time out too.
  4. You don’t have to wait till bed time to have “Me time.” You can sneak it in throughout the day when baby is at the park I take my book along in case she leaves me alone for more than 5mins.

The biggest lesson I learnt is that I can’t be dependant on other people for my happiness. I am my own creator of happiness. I can’t expect my husband to make me happy all the time or my children or job or friends. When all is said and done and you have nothing left in the world the only person to make you happy is yourself and if you can’t make yourself happy who else will?

Be Amazing!

Love Tracylesieli



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